Least Competent Criminals
Jose Diaz Jr., 35, was arrested and charged with shoplifting from a Wal-Mart in Madison Township, Ohio, in October after attempting to run
from the store with a digital camera. He first crashed into the glass front door (which looked open, but was closed), cutting himself badly, but then exited
into the parking lot, where he almost immediately ran into a cement post, allowing security personnel to catch up with him. [Lorain Morning Journal, 10-20-08]
Not Ready for Prime Time: What started as a "strong-arm" street robbery in Warren, Mich., in October, ended when the victim turned out to be stronger
than the perp. When it was over, the victim had gotten his money back, plus $30 of the mugger's as the man fled, according to a police report in the Macomb
Daily. [Macomb Daily, 10-9-08]
In Bristow, Va., as a woman stood nearby with her car running, early one October morning, a stranger jumped in and started to drive off,
though the woman's 6-year-old daughter was still in the car. The incident ended quickly, though, as the child kicked the man, pinched him, and screamed
until he bailed out and fled, according to a report on WRC-TV (Washington, D.C.). [WRC-TV, 10-8-08]
Almost Awesome: Motorist Michael Mills Jr., 38, who was making a getaway from police in Chesapeake, Va. (who wanted him on identity-theft charges), broke
through a drawbridge warning arm and tried to jump ("Dukes of Hazzard"-style) onto the span that was being lowered (but which wouldn't be
completely down for another several minutes). He missed, and the car plunged into the Elizabeth River, where it sank (but Mills was rescued and arrested).
Wendy Brown, 33, was charged with identity theft in Green Bay, Wis., in September after she enrolled at Ashwaubenon High School pretending to be her
15-year-old daughter (who actually lives in Nevada). Though Brown has a "history" of identify-theft issues (according to a school official who spoke
with Brown's mother), one motive in this case was to fulfill a longtime dream of becoming a cheerleader, and she had been attending practices and had made
the squad, according to school officials, even though some people had noticed that she looked a little older than the other girls. [Wisconsin State Journal-AP,
9-12-08]
Not Ready for Thugdom: Police in Wilmington, N.C., arrested Anthony Mallette, 30, and Capria Rouser, 28, in September, driving a stolen car, after they had
allegedly tried to extort money from the owner for its return. They wanted $40. [Wilmington Star News, 9-8-08]
Two men attempted an armed robbery of the Brighton Mini Mart in Chicago in August, and when it was over, the man with the gun had accidentally shot himself in the foot and been stabbed in the back by the 61-year-old store owner. The pair fled, but the wounded man was arrested in a hospital waiting room. [Chicago Tribune, 8-26-08]
Rookie Mistakes: Kody Merrival, 21, was arrested in Iowa City, Iowa, in September after he used an alleged stolen credit card in three different establishments. At a coffee bar, he asked for points on his personal account while using the card; at another store, he absentmindedly signed his own name; and in the third, he offered his own ID to accompany the card (leading the merchant to confiscate the card and notify police). [Iowa City Press-Citizen, 9-3-08]
Tommy Patterson, 41, vacationing in Ormond Beach, Fla., in July, decided to do some impromptu shoplifting at a Wal-Mart, according to police, but was caught after a chase that was brief because he was still wearing flip-flops from the beach. [Daytona Beach News-Journal, 7-31-08]
